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Dear Moneyist,
Twenty years ago, my husband foolishly and selfishly got involved with his much younger employee, thinking that it would be a couple times of casual sex that he could get away with. My husband’s ex-mistress is ruining our life.
Unfortunately, she also fell for him, refused to let him go, and threatened to tell me if he did not comply with her demands, including sex.
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She was an undocumented immigrant, so when she moved back to her home country with her parents, she told my husband that she was pregnant with his child. She demanded that he send the money to help with this child and he did so for several years.
Two years ago, she contacted me. She demanded more money or she would sue my husband for child support. I decided not to get divorced because we still owned a house together and can’t sell it now because our younger son still lives with us.
He is regretful and agreed to do anything that I decide regarding our finances. After he signed a waiver, I removed my husband as beneficiary from my retirement accounts, and he took his name off our joint checking and savings accounts.
She recently hired a lawyer in her home country and sent my husband a threatening letter, threatening to sue him for child support. We both have wills specifying that her illegitimate child are excluded from receiving anything when we die.
Is that enough? What else can we do to make sure that she cannot get her hands on this house or anything else? The only asset we co-own together is our primary residence.
We live in New Jersey. Too bad she is not living in the U.S. If she did live here, I would sue this mistress from hell for ruining my life and my marriage.
Worried Wife
Dear Worried Wife,
It’s smart to divorce your finances, if not your husband.
Given what you have been through, signing a waiver to remove himself from your retirement accounts, and your bank accounts is the least he can do. In your divorce, your house will be divided 50/50 so that seems fair. He has also spent a considerable amount of money over time on keeping his affair quiet and/or providing support for a child who may or may not exist. We simply don’t know. He has no evidence that what this woman says is true. If she does have a child, it would be wise to conduct a DNA test to confirm his/her paternity.
Legally, I don’t see how your husband’s former mistress/employee has any further hold over you or your husband. If she does have a child with your husband, he/she would be over the age of 18 now and the statute of limitations would likely have passed for back child support. Her ability to sue would have depended on where she currently lives. Obviously, it’s better to consult a lawyer on your state’s laws rather than pay more money to this woman. Plus, your husband has thus far complied with her demands, and I assume he has records of their correspondence and his payments.
If this child does exist, don’t blame them. Why not set up a trust so they can study in the U.S. Rather than think about suing his mother, why not consider how you can help her child?
Now back to your husband. Your husband ruined your marriage. Twenty years ago was the time to confirm the validity of these claims instead of dipping into your joint funds. You appear to be united in protecting your assets from any potential lawsuit. As I said, I don’t believe you have any worries on that count. I would, however, caution you about remaining in a marriage that has broken down. We do know that your husband has a minor son living under your roof and, if you were to split and/or he were to move out of the family home, he does and would have an obligation to him.
Think carefully about your future. You are entitled to a happy relationship with a man who is honest and respectful. There are many great guys out there. He is far from the gold standard. He has encouraged you to believe that this fiscal infidelity and affair is your problem too. This has all the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship. Your husband’s former mistress sounds manipulative but — as my Irish friend’s mother would say — as God made them, he matched them. Your husband seems to be quite the Machiavellian character too.
Don’t live for tomorrow. You have savings, a retirement account and — no doubt — you have worked hard to build a life for yourself and your son. You deserve to be free, too.
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